look no pants
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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