I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
