I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
