she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
