i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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