I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The adults are the big ones right?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
