I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
