his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
