i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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