Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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