Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
