I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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