failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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