rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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