he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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