I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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