20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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