Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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