I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
