If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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