I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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