The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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