would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
