i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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