As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
