"it" just moved
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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