I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Sponge bath it is.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
