I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just gargled with NyQuil
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
