That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
