If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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