and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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