My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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