I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
