She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
