I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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