I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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