He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
