Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
