Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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