That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I touched a dick in church today
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