when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
