You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
