Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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