I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
