There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
