youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
