Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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