Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
