ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
