a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
